Ten Films We're Unlikely To See From Marvel Studios

If you read proper blogs from time to time, you'll know that Marvel Studios have recently been working through about twelve million different ideas for movies based on their roster of comic-book characters. As we are not a proper blog but more like a holding space for hackery, we're only just about to start dealing with this now. While Captain America and Thor are upcoming for Marvel Studios, along with an Avengers movie, there are incessant rumours about other characters making it to the big screen. Dr Strange is one of the most persistant, along with Iron Fist, Power Man, and Black Panther. And hey! If you can make an interesting film about Thor, you can pretty much do anything. However, here's a list of ten characters we can't see making it to the big screen anytime soon.


10. Squirrel Girl

Best to get her out the way quickly, or you'll be expecting her to top the list. Squirrel Girl can't appear in a movie, ever, because it takes away all the tension. How can an audience worry about the fate of the World if they know that Squirrel Girl is on the case? She'll lick the villains within five minutes, then go back to her beloved Central Park and forage for nuts. She's too powerful to work within a movie.


9. Howard The Duck

Oh. Wait...


8. Psylocke.

For one thing, it'd be hard to find an actress who'd be willing to put on Psylocke's frankly painful-looking costume. And then there's the fact that Psylocke is white, but at some point gets turned into an Asian woman. Is there any way that someone could pull off that story on the big screen without looking like a massive racist? We don't think so.


7. Captain Mar-Vell

One and a half hours of utterly inspired space action, as Captain Marvel races through the cosmos looking to save the Universe from total destruction! Followed by half an hour of him slowly contracting cancer, and dying in bed while the villain gets away with it.


6. X-23

Like Wolverine, except the lead character is a young prostitute who murders people with a footclaw and sniffs the ground a lot. She doesn't talk much, rarely offers any glimpse of a true personality, and spends the first hour of the movie being tortured by a sinister American agency. Y'know what? Maybe we'll pitch this to Eli Roth.

5. Black Bolt

The lead character can't talk! He wins all his fights by whispering a word at his opponent! There is absolutely never any variation in the way this character wins battles! It would be insanely boring to watch a Black Bolt film. He works in comics because he doesn't appear so often, but in a film? And besides, if in Space, nobody can hear you scream.... how the heck do Black Bolt's powers work?


4. Tigra

Because it'd be weird. Charlize Theron, dressed up as a she-cat complete with fur and tail? The World just isn't ready for that kind of thing yet.

Well, maybe Japan is.

3. Wonder Man

Nobody cares about Wonder Man. He don't count.


2. Captain Britain.

For one thing, Americans have never really taken to the character. For another thing, nobody in Britain would ever take it seriously. He calls himself "Captain Britain"? Not very modest of him, is it? He needs to scale down the ego and realise that nobody from England would ever be accepted by Ireland, Wales, and Scotland. It'd never sell, unless it was made a deliberate satire and the BBC was involved. Maybe Robert Lindsay could be Captain Britain, while Zoe Wanamaker plays Meggan.

1. Uatu The Watcher

And this one upsets us deeply. We love Uatu. He is probably our favourite character here at ComVan, with his wise ways and solemn stares. What a loveable lug! Sadly, the idea of watching Uatu watch other heroes for two straight hours would probably be too difficult to work out, with all the different licensing and scheduling conflicts that'd be created by having five minutes of Captain America followed by ten minutes of X-Men followed by twenty minutes of Luke Cage. Incidentally, our ideal casting for the guy would be a bald Judi Dench.