10. Squirrel Girl
Best to get her out the way quickly, or you'll be expecting her to top the list. Squirrel Girl can't appear in a movie, ever, because it takes away all the tension. How can an audience worry about the fate of the World if they know that Squirrel Girl is on the case? She'll lick the villains within five minutes, then go back to her beloved Central Park and forage for nuts. She's too powerful to work within a movie.
9. Howard The Duck
For one thing, it'd be hard to find an actress who'd be willing to put on Psylocke's frankly painful-looking costume. And then there's the fact that Psylocke is white, but at some point gets turned into an Asian woman. Is there any way that someone could pull off that story on the big screen without looking like a massive racist? We don't think so.
7. Captain Mar-Vell
One and a half hours of utterly inspired space action, as Captain Marvel races through the cosmos looking to save the Universe from total destruction! Followed by half an hour of him slowly contracting cancer, and dying in bed while the villain gets away with it.
Like Wolverine, except the lead character is a young prostitute who murders people with a footclaw and sniffs the ground a lot. She doesn't talk much, rarely offers any glimpse of a true personality, and spends the first hour of the movie being tortured by a sinister American agency. Y'know what? Maybe we'll pitch this to Eli Roth.
5. Black Bolt
The lead character can't talk! He wins all his fights by whispering a word at his opponent! There is absolutely never any variation in the way this character wins battles! It would be insanely boring to watch a Black Bolt film. He works in comics because he doesn't appear so often, but in a film? And besides, if in Space, nobody can hear you scream.... how the heck do Black Bolt's powers work?
Because it'd be weird. Charlize Theron, dressed up as a she-cat complete with fur and tail? The World just isn't ready for that kind of thing yet.
Well, maybe Japan is.
3. Wonder Man
Nobody cares about Wonder Man. He don't count.
2. Captain Britain.
For one thing, Americans have never really taken to the character. For another thing, nobody in Britain would ever take it seriously. He calls himself "Captain Britain"? Not very modest of him, is it? He needs to scale down the ego and realise that nobody from England would ever be accepted by Ireland, Wales, and Scotland. It'd never sell, unless it was made a deliberate satire and the BBC was involved. Maybe Robert Lindsay could be Captain Britain, while Zoe Wanamaker plays Meggan.
1. Uatu The Watcher
And this one upsets us deeply. We love Uatu. He is probably our favourite character here at ComVan, with his wise ways and solemn stares. What a loveable lug! Sadly, the idea of watching Uatu watch other heroes for two straight hours would probably be too difficult to work out, with all the different licensing and scheduling conflicts that'd be created by having five minutes of Captain America followed by ten minutes of X-Men followed by twenty minutes of Luke Cage. Incidentally, our ideal casting for the guy would be a bald Judi Dench.